Managing Difficult Conversations: Further Thoughts
It would be naive to imagine a life in business without ever having to engage in a difficult conversation, yet rarely do we invest in equipping ourselves to handle tough subjects. With developed communications skills, you will not only be in a stronger position to enter into a difficult conversation, you will be far more likely to make that conversation productive.
WHEN NOT IF
Difficult conversations are inevitable. From disagreements on vision, or project direction to handling staff complaints and dealing with poor performance. Difficult conversations cannot and should not be avoided yet so often we are willing to kick the can down the road rather than face the issue. Most people are conflict averse which is why they would prefer to avoid raising sensitive topics, only engaging only when a problem has escalated to a critical point. Once you are equipped with the communications skills to face difficult conversations with confidence, you will be able to understand the benefits of constructive dialogue and dealing with issues sooner than later.
CLEAR COMMUNICATION
As with most facets of communication, clarity is the goal. Before engaging a colleague in a difficult conversation, be sure to have a succinct outline of the issue that needs discussion. Where possible, limit the topic to a single issue. Multiple infractions can feel overwhelming when presented in one sitting which is why it is always best to deal with things as they arise rather than accruing a laundry list of problems. If there are many issues to be discussed, find the commonality amongst them and make that your focus - this will help you identify the source of the problem which should improve the collective issues.
In much the same way as you would work on communications skills for a pitch or presentation, you need to focus on self-orientation leading into the difficult conversation. Factors to consider include the power dynamics within your organisation and your existing relationship with the other person. It is also important to reflect on and recognise your emotional relationship to the incident; if someone’s failure to fulfil their responsibilities has led to you working overtime, you should be aware of how this may impact your feelings heading into the conversation.
As with pitching or presentations, you also need to think about your audience. What expectations may they have about the conversation? Present an outline of your conversation from the outset. Nobody wants to feel ambushed by a contentious subject matter so be clear about the discussion topic from the start. Give an overview of the intended flow of the conversation explaining that they will have due opportunity to respond.
Before you engage in a difficult conversation, you should have clear goals for the outcome; if someone has shortcomings, you should present them with a plan for success and the opportunity to improve. If their behaviour has been unacceptable, it should be clear what those specific behaviours encompass and that there must be no repetition. Be cognizant of your organisation’s behavioural policy and set out whether they have met the threshold for verbal, written or final warnings as well as the consequences beyond the meeting.
DO YOUR RESEARCH
It is standard practice for success that, during trial, lawyers will not ask questions to which they do not know the answer. They have a clear understanding of the case and they are asking questions that will present the narrative that supports their argument. The stakes should rarely be this high within a work scenario but you should similarly do your due diligence before engaging in a difficult conversation - dates and facts are your friend when presenting information. Be specific and do not speak generally about instances of poor performance or bad behaviour.
Working with a communications coach will allow you the opportunity to work on your presence and tone in these scenarios. It is important to maintain neutrality and develop a vocabulary that speaks to the facts without using emotional or contentious language that might take you away from facts and into speculation.
FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN
A common concern when tackling tough topics is that we do not know where the conversation will lead or how the person might respond.
Be sensitive to their fears and concerns. When challenged about behaviour or performance, our “fight or flight” response can spike. Especially within a work environment, concerns about employment may trigger which could lead to erratic behaviour. It is a commonly held belief that animals do not learn through fear; it’s why yelling at a dog will never yield positive training results. The same is true for humans - fear will not produce a useful learning environment.
Given the concerns about how someone may respond when confronted with a difficult topic, our instinct can be to try and limit the emotional bandwidth of a conversation. This is both naive and impossible. By nature, people are emotional and we must allow for that. Difficult conversations will be most effective if you have a deep understanding of the controllable elements that you can manage and the uncontrollable elements that will call upon your active listening skills. People are far more willing to engage in a productive free-flowing conversation if they feel heard so allocate time for this and prepare yourself to listen with intention.
Working with a communications coach provides a safe rehearsal space to deal with a variety of scenarios. Forefront Coaching comprises former actors with years of roleplay experience. We curate a light environment in which to theorise your responses and explore how to channel people’s energy into constructive dialogue. It is important to have freedom within this space to develop your skills giving you the tools to stay on message within a challenging conversation.
VALUABLE CONVERSATIONS
There is great value in difficult conversations and much that can be gained from creating space for people to speak freely on difficult subjects; where tough subjects can be broached and explored to offer you valuable insights into areas of your business that might have been kept private otherwise.
You will bring a positive approach to difficult conversations if you foster a genuine sense of curiosity and reflection. Entering into the conversation with the aim of learning and understanding will put everyone involved in a fairer position and lead to a more productive outcome. You will have a good idea of the facts as you enter the conversation but there may be far more to learn once the dialogue begins.
One of the most valuable skills you can develop as you workshop difficult conversations is the comfort to sit in silence. In potentially awkward environments, our instinct can be to fill the void, to answer for people, or put words in someone’s mouth when they are struggling to answer. Confidently allowing space within a conversation is incredibly important - just ask any therapist.
Silence allows for reflection and honesty. Silence interrupts the typical rhythm of the conversation taking it beyond a simple call and response. You are not having a difficult monologue, you are having a difficult conversation. Allowing silence creates space for the other person to engage and open up. Working with a communications coach can help you strengthen your ability to sit in silence, and yield expansive and productive responses.
THE FEEDBACK LOOP
Feedback should be an easy and ongoing part of your communication style. Regular informal conversations are much more valuable than quarterly or annual appraisals where issues which may have been long forgotten are brought to the fore. Feedback should be a loop, not a line.
If providing feedback and tackling tough topics with your team is a regular part of your workflow, it takes the spotlight off the moments when you are broaching a difficult conversation. Ongoing feedback creates a frequency that supports continuous growth and recognises the value of feedback. This level of transparency will also give your team the opportunity to respond frequently and share their findings or thoughts which can be invaluable when growing a business.
DIFFICULTY BREEDS GROWTH
Resistance to opening up a dialogue on a tough subject will limit you from countless unknown opportunities for growth. Developing the skills to confidently engage in difficult conversations will sharpen your confidence levels to discuss all matters. Thinking about times when you do not feel equipped to discuss certain matters, opens a world of opportunities for improvement that may have been missed. Confidently developing your communications toolbox to face difficult subjects will increase your comfort level to approach all manner of topics.
Good communication skills should not be reserved for moments of praise and innovation. Developing good communication skills is essential for all aspects of business. Using moments of criticism and tackling tough subjects to demonstrate refined communications skills will open up the flow of dialogue which will support growth across all aspects of your business.
